You’ve probably seen them by now, those Ai videos that show up on your tiktok or reels feed, that show what your childhood in the 80s or 90s was like. My favorite are the ones focused around a holiday like Halloween or Christmas. They look so real, and they bring a feeling of both happiness and grief all at once. You can feel the carpet underneath your feet, hear the cartoons playing on the tv, and just briefly, you are that 6 year old boy lying underneath the Christmas tree staring at the colorful fluorescent bulbs. You’ve never been happier.
What happened to that little boy? He grew up. He lost his innocence and his faith in humanity. His dreams took the back burner to his bills, responsibilities and overall stresses of the real world. You miss him.
I am 37 years old, and I’ve been in the lending business since I graduated college. I cannot definitively say I’ll be doing it for another 15 years. I may very well, but this certainly wasn’t what 6 year old me, 16 year old me or even 26 year old me had envisioned. What’s even crazier is that I’m not sure I remember what I had envisioned. Honestly, I feel lost.
My personal life is incredibly fulfilling. I am happily married to a wonderful woman, and we have two beautiful and healthy kids. Our home is peaceful, and our time spent together is the highlight of my days. It’s my professional life that feels underwhelming. Lending? Hardly the type of thing that makes you jump out of bed. I’m a millennial. I’m supposed to be of the generation that went after it, pursued their dreams, and built lives that satisfied not just the bank account, but the soul.
Very few of us have.
That’s why those nostalgia videos hit so hard. They remind us of when we were really alive, and overburden us with grief upon the realization that the world we grew up in is gone. The truth is the “good old days” are not going to come back, despite our best efforts. As with all changes in life, the faster we accept that, the sooner we can move on. Memories remind us of what life was like. The present is however what demands our attention.
So now what?
Now I proceed. The destination was never the end, the journey is. I do our best to implement the best of my childhood into our lives now. I showed my boy Toy Story 1 and watched him fall in love with Buzz and Woody. This weekend, my phone was on airplane mode the entire time. We baked an apple pie together. We are creating new memories that we can cherish together.
Importantly, I need to recollect those dreams, and continue on this journey to do better each day. Where I am today is not where I always need to be. Easier said than done, I know. But the other option, staying exactly the same– unfulfilled, is not the right choice. I know it. In that 5 am hour, when the whole house is asleep, and the coffeemaker purrs, I know it.